chapter to something..

“Let’s go left” Emily said. “We always go right. Let’s try something new”.

“Sure, I take this path sometimes when I go for a run” Miriam answered.

Picking up the pace, the girls ventured into the woody park urbanized by its cement path and downtown city horizon. Soon, they rationalized this brisk walk as an excuse to gorge on ice cream and alcohol later as a means to mend two broken hearts. Even better, the sporadic violent wind bursts of that unseasonably warm November afternoon only added more room in the calorie count for the day.

“How are you doing?’ asked Miriam.

“It’s been better” answered Emily. “I’m not really sure what to do. I’ve replayed the conversation, our fight. .over and over again in my head. And, I’m not sure what to do.”

“Yeah,” sulked Miriam.

It had been almost a week, a whole seven days, since Emily and her not-so-sure-if-he’s-still-my-boyfriend – Ben – had spoken to each other. To her, it had started as an exciting gesture and recommitment towards the relationship. A surprise trip to New York City for graduation and Christmas. “Surely a gift anyone would like” was her rationale.

To him, it was just another example of how they were different. How they were growing apart. “I don’t just pack up and go places. I’m not that type of person“. . .“I love you, but I’m not sure I want to be with you”. Ben’s responses rang through her head. Her heart breaking with every step; she could feel the mucus building in her nose as she held back the tears.

“His sister reached out to me. She told me she was sorry. She didn’t know what to say. She said Ben felt bad..sad even. She mentioned how much she liked me and how the family loved me. But, she ended it with ‘our family was sad it didn’t work out’…What the fuck ..what the fuck does that mean? ” said Emily frustratingly. “Oh wait. It means it’s over.”

“Yeah,” answered Miriam.

The two continued walking.

“I slept with him…again,” blurted Miriam. “He asked me to stay over. He blew up my phone and asked me to stay over. This was after he said he just wanted to be friends.” She threw her hands up.

“What the hell? Really. Friends don’t ask friends to stay the night,” chimed Miriam.

Emily could hear the sadness crawling up Miriam’s throat as she listened to her friend recount her previous Saturday night.

“I asked him. ‘What is this? Are we friends?’ and he said yes,” Miriam looked down. “But, you have guy friends..have they ever asked you to stay over?” Miriam asked. “Do they ever just want to hold you?”

Emily chuckled at the idea of any of her male friends asking for such an absurd favor. They knew better than that.

“I don’t believe so, and I do have a lot of guy friends,” Emily answered.

Almost a mile into their walk, the two stared forward commenting on the wind’s speed and the beauty of the old southern mansions that aligned the man-made lake. It was Thanksgiving Eve and the trail lured many into a before-you-stuff-your-face workout. The girl’s conversation flowed in and out. Each tried to keep the other’s spirit up. Hey, it will all work out.

“At 27 years-old, shit gets real” remarked Miriam at the end of the walk. “I finally realized that I’d like a family someday. And, well at 27, it seems like I should probably take it more seriously”.

“Right on” Emily murmured. “If test-tube babies weren’t so G.D. expensive..I’d skip the whole falling in-love with a male thing”.

—-

3:45 am CDT

The next evening and after two weeks of sleepless nights, Emily’s mind obsessed over her walk around the lake with Miriam. She still hadn’t heard from Ben, and the conflict in her mind raged. The events of the past week clearly spoke volumes of my inability to ever find someone.

She was emotionally exhausted and was tired of leaning on friends. For goodness sakes, when did I become so lopsided, she protested in her mind.

But, she also knew that for the first time she felt genuinely depressed. The past year was a difficult one. Stress at school, at home and now coupled with heart-break numero dos; Emily could feel herself shutting down.

“I’m banning myself from the Internet. No email. No Tumblr. No Twitter. No Facebook,” she declared earlier that evening. Removing all possible access points on her iPhone and blocking herself on her own browser seemed like the best options. She even contemplated deactivating her accounts. But, that would be insane, she rationalized.

Stripping her online self – she thought – would alleviate the pain. After all, she could then avoid reading his stuff. Goddamnit, he’s doing just fine..

But, it was deeper than that. Emily knew that for the first time she felt lost. On the surface, it was clear that the next big thing was her’s to have. The world has always, after all, been her oyster. Making personal contacts were never a problem. Scoring the best job or opportunity..never a problem. Yet, she felt alone.

I’d trade in all of it – the killer job offer, the free ride to a PhD, the potential to become a policy wonk  - just to share my life with someone.

Her anti-feminist thought made her cringe. She had always lived her life strategically; plotting out world domination. Each move was meticulous and calculated. But, this relationship was a curve ball. She had wanted nothing more than to remain in the happiness that she had learned in the space with him.

She looked at her friends getting married and starting families with immense jealousy. I want that she claimed.  Yet, it was starting to feel as if her successes would be the very reason for her pain. Maybe I’m not meant to have that life.

Throughout the week, her friends consoled her letting her know that now wasn’t the time. That she needed someone who could play at her level. Someone who would’ve been grateful and excited about a free trip to the Big Apple.

But, that’s exactly what made Emily collapse on the inside. Maybe she was too much. Too much that no one would want to share their life with her. After all, she was too spontaneous..too stubborn..too smart for her own good. Even she felt drained by her own personality.

Minute by minute Emily tried to convince herself of the happiness that surrounded her. Despite bad health and bad luck her parents were still around. Her mom even called her “skinny” for the first time in 27 years when she walked through the door this Thanksgiving break.

Yet, like the dark storm cloud that trailed close to Eeyore, her sadness hovered just above her head.

11/25/2015

To: Emily

From: Darian

Yo bff,

Get your head out of your ass. Pack up the dip-shit’s stuff, shove it in a box and move on. He hasn’t called you in days..seems pretty clear to me.

Look, he’s not worth it. You’re going to be fine.

How about we take another run at South America soon?

Darian

“Awesome,” Emily sighed.

Darian’s email only made the situation sting more. He was either 1) right, and Ben was a dip-shit; 2) sick of hearing about another melodramatic heartbreak 3) a total insensitive a-hole.

Emily decided it was a little bit of everything. Hell, I’d be sick of me too if I were in his position, she thought.

Darian had always been there for her. Almost four-years into their completely platonic friendship and people still speculated them to be lovers. On the contrary, she found very little about Darian to be attractive. He was always on the move and restless. He was always in search for the bigger, better things in life. She admired his vagabond spirit but knew it would drive her crazy in a real romantic relationship.

Plus, he liked blondes.

To: Darian

From: Bff

You’re a real asshole, you know that? Would it kill you to be a tad bit sensitive? I only lost the love of my life.

Anyways, I’m beyond broke. South America would be spectacular – remember when you drank that juice from the bag in Peru and had the shits for the whole night – spectacular indeed.

Skype me later?

Em

Aww. Fuck. There went my email ban.

SF Recap

If you haven’t heard (which clearly means you live under a rock), I was in San Francisco for the past 10 days attending several events and meeting a slew of amazing people.

Overall, the entire trip can be best classified as a non-stop adrenaline roller coaster of craziness. To say I can capture the majority of what I saw, experienced and heard would be lying.

From WordCamp to the after party to Event Apart to the Giants game to Citizen Space to visiting the Digg offices to Yoono to the Golden Gate Bridge to the Mashable party to karaoke to CBSi to Sausalito to Muir woods-  *phew* – the best part, the people.

My plug for social media –> I met quite a few people in real life, which without tools would have been missed.

Many many thanks to our gracious host(s): @marianne_m, @khartline, @kcuneo and @ttoste. Speaking on behalf of the Texas group, we could not have had better hosts to welcome us to the city.

I could write an entire novel based solely on our adventures over the past week. More than happy to go into detail offline, but to recap on here would be unjust.

Also, much much love to these three guys. Without them, this trip would have been incredibly dull.

If I learned one thing from this trip, I’m surrounded by some amazing people.

While watching the Olympics..

I’m spending the first half of my Tuesday night catching up on the Olympic events I missed last night. From diving to swimming to gymnastics, so many sports – so little time.

Is anyone else suffering from complete envy while watching? And, I’m not just referring to everyone’s amazing physique.

Instead, I’m alluding to the range of emotional and mental stretching each athlete must endure. From the excitement of the opening ceremonies to the disappointment of losing a race, talk about flexing your emotional capacity.

I think . . .

  • What must it feel like to walk into a stadium filled with deafening cheers.
  • How do you control your nerves and stay calm?
  • What is it like to see your counterpart and arch-nemesis across from you?
  • How does it feel to know that everything you’ve worked for will be defined in the next two-minutes?
  • When it’s all over, what’s next?

I **can’t** even fathom the elation one must feel breaking a world record or winning gold.

Why would I want to experience this? Easy, to remind myself that I’m still living.

So, where can I turn to for an equivalent?

Make it count

Saw this tweet earlier today and was automatically intrigued:

@missrogue I really like the grassroots nature of this project: http://www.girleffect.org Many microfunding units prefer to lend to women as well.

Mesmerized by the eye-catching flash animation and succinct, but well-chosen phrases, I felt compelled to continue clicking.

Click.

Click.

Normally, I would have lost interest far in advance, but it was so well made, and it told an interesting story. Guess, the quality should be expected when the site’s champions include;

  • The Nike Foundation
  • NoVa Foundation
  • UN Foundation
  • International Center of Research on Women
  • Population Council

The “Girl Effect” brings to the surface what seems to be a logical concept.  “Girls are the most likely agents of change, but they are invisible to their societies and to our media.”

Upon exploring a bit more, a light bulb sparked. Recently, I’ve observed what I recognize as the next iteration of social & corporate responsibility. By now, the phrase “democratization of the Internet” has been seared into our heads. But, in all seriousness, this movement coupled with a heightened awareness of social injustice is sparking an evolution. No longer should one feel dis-empowered by a lack of funding or resources. Instead, the slew of tools has, as many have noted, leveled the playing field.

From these large initiatives to smaller regional causes (i.e. Austin Tweet-up Blood Drive), why not ensure that your content is more than just fluff. The interwebs is loaded with useless frivolous crap.Why not make yours count?

**Keep your eye out for the upcoming #atbd case study and mash-up.

My votes for SXSWi 2009

It’s SXSW Interactive time! kind of…

Panel Picker is up and running. If I were to have my ideal set of panels to attend, I’d have the following on my sched.org:

This is just a quick glimpse. I voted for WAY more (lots of Austin love etc. .). In any case, check the list out for yourself and remember to vote before August 29.

Catching up

Know it’s been awhile since I’ve contributed to this blog, and I’m starting to sound like a broken record. I hope to remedy this moving forward.

more photos from Michael Cummings *ace photographer*

more photos from Michael Cummings *ace photographer*

Quick rewind on everything that has transpired in the last two months:

  • Launched Austin 3.0
  • Travel
  • InnovationCamp
  • Travel
  • Mexico
  • BlogHer
  • Travel
  • SocialMediaCamp/SummerMash
  • iPhoneDevCamp Austin
  • Conjunctured officially launches

..upcoming, you guessed it, travel.

Needless to say, I’m juggling quite a few things right now. But, as the sayings go: you only live once and I can sleep when I’m dead

Have also recently found myself back in Facebook land more so than I had been. Despite my initial hesitance of the redesign, I’ve actually found it more useful. Shh, don’t tell twitter.

In any case, like I had mentioned, trying to get back into the swing of things on this site. Will have several posts in the next couple of days. Also, for ONCE this month, I am staying put and will be in the city for the weekend.

Be on the lookout for more on social media breeding social responsibility, reviews on a couple of new products and my insights on learning Cocoa.

Feeling better already..

Test 1..2..3

Testing new iPhone/WP application!
Very cool =] thanks to Marianne for sending me the link right at launch.

Interested to see how this will alter the blogging race: now has even quicker access to their blog. Talk about lightening fast turn around for posts, as if there wasn’t enough pressure to get the scoop.

Kudos to those in the WP camp for making this possible for us nerds! Now, my iPhone can be a one stop shop.

Love the picture load and preview capabilities! Anyone know when/where one can add links?

photo

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